{"id":406,"date":"2005-01-22T03:00:19","date_gmt":"2005-01-22T08:00:19","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.highstrungloner.com\/?p=406"},"modified":"2012-02-18T23:14:13","modified_gmt":"2012-02-19T04:14:13","slug":"down","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.highstrungloner.com\/?p=406","title":{"rendered":"Down"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"Pez!\"I was talking to The Crusher<\/b> on the phone around 5PM and my host left the apartment. After I hung up the phone I took a nap and woke up around 7:30. I had a cup of coffee and wanted to go back to sleep right away. I couldn\u2019t do<\/em> anything.<\/b> The urge to sleep was nearly impossible to fight off but I did it. It was incredibly hard to not just walk back into the bedroom and lie down.<\/b><\/p>\n

I made myself take a shower<\/b> which didn\u2019t help much. Then I forced<\/em> myself to sit at the computer and finish up some banners for Cruising for Sex.<\/b><\/a> By this time it was about 10:30 and I still wanted to just be unconcious. I figured that I needed to get the hell out of the house<\/b> and headed out to The Phoenix.<\/b> I didn\u2019t have the car so I had to take the streetcar and walk through The Quarter.<\/b> I left the iPod<\/b> home because I figured this wqould give me time to just be with myself without distractions and with no possibility of just lying down and ignoring everything.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m pretty familiar with depression,<\/b> having struggled with it for years but it\u2019s been a long, long time since I felt like this. Let me tell you, this was terrible.<\/b> It\u2019s as close to suicidal<\/b> as I\u2019ve ever been. The walk did the trick, though, and I think I have it figured out. (He said, hopefully!)<\/p>\n

I\u2019m leaving New Orleans in a week and, for at least a couple of weeks after that, will not really be living anywhere. Money is tight<\/b> partly because of my ongoing iBill problem<\/b> which I won't go into now. (I sent out some invoices this week, some of them nearly a year old, so that<\/em> problem should resolve itself soon.)<\/p>\n

Mostly, though. I think the problem is that I\u2019m 51 years old<\/b> and I\u2019m absolutely not prepared to be an old person.<\/b> It\u2019s not that I feel old or look bad or anything like that. And my life had been lots of fun, for the most part.<\/b> I just feel as if I\u2019ve wasted a lot of time that could have been spent preparing for the time of my life when I won\u2019t be able<\/em> to run around and have a good time.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s not like I chose a responsible career<\/b> or anything which would help me prepare for my future. No!<\/b> I decided to be a pornographer<\/em><\/b> and move to a different city every couple of years! My god!! What have I done??<\/b> as David Byrne<\/b> once sang back when he seemed talented.<\/p>\n

Anyways, I think being so sick<\/b> for a couple of weeks and having to have \u201cSame-Day Surgery\u201d<\/b> the other day and having to leave this<\/em> place before I have another<\/em> place and really<\/b> not wanting to even be<\/em> in this apartment anymore has finally just left me feeling really overwhelmed. I just want to sit and stare out into the air and I can\u2019t,<\/em> dammit!<\/b> I will just have to get over it, I guess.<\/p>\n

Well, The Phoenix was fun and, I think, just what I needed. More about that tomorrow. Also, I talked to The Crusher<\/b> on the way home and he was a soothing balm\u2014well, that\u2019s what he<\/em> would say.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I was talking to The Crusher on the phone around 5PM and my host left the apartment. After I hung up the phone I took a nap and woke up around 7:30. I had a cup of coffee and wanted to go back to sleep right away. I couldn\u2019t do anything. The urge to sleep […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[35],"tags":[95],"class_list":["post-406","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-health","tag-depression"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/s2ccTA-down","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.highstrungloner.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/406","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.highstrungloner.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.highstrungloner.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.highstrungloner.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.highstrungloner.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=406"}],"version-history":[{"count":10,"href":"http:\/\/www.highstrungloner.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/406\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":561,"href":"http:\/\/www.highstrungloner.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/406\/revisions\/561"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.highstrungloner.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=406"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.highstrungloner.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=406"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.highstrungloner.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=406"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}